reluctant

"but in the hour of His greatest trial,
His love overcame His fear of what loving would cost Him."

- John Eldredge, Waking The Dead

once again, the cost of loving, and my fear of further cost, have and are paralyzing me. i know that i can't not love. to do so would be death. but sometimes, it's just too hard, and i really don't want to. however, beneath the wounded parts of my heart...much deeper than that...somewhere way down there...i know that i want to love...i have to. i want to wholeheartedly be like my Jesus. love brings us outside of ourselves...it makes us bigger...and yet, to do it, we must fully sacrifice ourselves...just like He did.

i can't do it alone.
actually, i can't do it at all.
i guess that's the key.

affectual

i'm reading waking the dead again...why? because i need it again. my heart needs some serious attention.

so, i'm reading colossians 3 this morning, and i start underlining all the instances of the word "heart."

so...really...what is our heart? what does it entail? check this out:

-the center/vigor of physical and spiritual life
-the soul or mind, as it is the fountain and seat of the thoughts, passions, desires, appetites, affections, purposes, and endeavors
-of the understanding, the faculty and seat of intelligence
-of the will and character
-of the soul so far as it is affected and stirred in a bad way or good, or of the soul as the seat of the sensibilities, affections, emotions, desires, appetites, passions
-of the middle or central or inmost part of anything, even though inanimate
-the bowels, regarded as the seat of the more violent passions, such as anger and love, but by the Hebrews as the seat of the tenderer affections, esp. kindness, benevolence, compassion; hence our heart (tender mercies, affections, etc.)
-etc etc.

get the picture?

it's everything we are. even in colossians 3 when it says, "set your mind on things above"...the word "mind" means to think, the affections, the will....the actions of the will and affections.

so...here's the deal...when your heart is messed up...all of you is messed up. if your heart isn't in order, neither are you. right now, all of me is messed up. it affects everything about me listed above. right now, namely my passions and affections.

so...setting my mind on things above...that means, actively setting my affections on Jesus...not just being disciplined to spend time with Him...but setting my will and affections on Him. why? because He first loved me. as a response.

what's my prayer for today? well, with last weeks prayer in mind:

Lord, may we see You clearly,
and may we actively set our affections on You.

selah

opposition

the enemy will press...and he knows exactly which buttons. he will do anything to distract us from all that is good and worthy of our attention.

"he did not dare to let the enemy out of his sight for a moment...it was not like dealing with a wicked politician at all: it was much more like being set to guard an imbecile or a monkey or a very nasty child."

- Perelandra by C.S. Lewis

as intricate and twisted as the enemy's schemes may be, they are, at the same time, so blatantly childish and simple. he knows our weaknesses and he knows where to attack us. while his strategies have the appearance of deceitful complexity, they are really nothing more than him jumping up and down, waving his arms around, and shouting, "hey! look over here! look over here!" nothing more than smoke and mirrors...the unadulterated art of distraction.

distraction from what? from our focus. from our first love. from the adventure that our God has set before us in His unfathomable love for us.

our response should not be to give the distraction any of our time or attention, or even the effort to dispel it, but rather to recognize it, and, at once, turn our eyes back to the most beautiful good they could ever take in.
_______

something occurred to me this morning. last night, stephen and i were talking about how there are so many things in our hearts that need to be processed through with the Lord...it's overwhelming and we don't even know where to start. the desired end result is obviously that the Lord would fully hold our hearts and be the foremost object of our affections. i've been attempting to just snap my fingers and have that be the case. bad news, it doesn't work that way. so, in all His goodness, the Lord imparted something to me. because of that, my prayer for today is simply this:

"may we see You clearly, Lord."

may we be aware of the spiritual battles around us, may we see things clearly with His eyes...but MOST importantly...may we see Him for who He is. may we simply sit at the foot of His throne and gaze upon His face...may we see there His love, His glory, His holiness, His faithfulness, His goodness, etc. when we look at Him and really SEE Him, we will fall in love with Him for who He is. surrendering our hearts to Him will then be nothing more than second nature.

so...rather than be overwhelmed with the work in me that must be done...may i simply focus on and pray one thing:

let us see You clearly, Lord.

_______

"Paul in this Epistle counters the teaching that stresses that the way of holiness is through an asceticism that promotes only spiritual selfishness. He stresses that spirituality is not achieved by self-centered efforts to control the passions, but by putting on Christ, setting one's affections on Him, and so stripping off all that is contrary to His will."

- Intro to Colossians, NAS Hebrew-Greek Keyword Study Bible

the rumor of Jesus

Luke 19:1-10

"He entered Jericho and was passing through. And there was a man called by the name of Zaccheus; he was a chief tax collector and he was rich. Zaccheus was trying to see who Jesus was, and was unable because of the crowd, for he was small in stature. So he ran on ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree in order to see Him, for He was about to pass through that way. When Jesus came to the place, He looked up and said to him, "Zaccheus, hurry and come down, for today I must stay at your house." And he hurried and came down and received Him gladly. When they saw it, they all began to grumble, saying, "He has gone to be the guest of a man who is a sinner..."

our staff team was discussing this passage and my boss told me i should write out my thoughts. it was sort of my inspiration to begin this blog in the first place. i do need to write more. it's in me...it just needs to come out.

so, zaccheus is a chief tax-collector. not a well-loved guy...what was considered a "pretty big sinner"...yet, he is the one straining to see who Jesus is. he wants to see Him so badly that he runs and climbs a tree. but why?

verse 3 says that he "was trying to see who Jesus was." this man...this sinner...had never even met Jesus...he had merely heard of Him. the rumor of Jesus that he heard was apparently so moving, so unbelievable, that he just HAD to see Him for himself.

and i wonder...what of that rumor of Jesus? who did zaccheus hear from? it must have been someone. it makes me think about something philip yancey said in his book, "what's so amazing about grace." he says that sinners used to flock to Jesus...and yet, today, sinners do their best to avoid Christians...to run the other way. i heard a statistic that Christians are the third most hated group in this country after child-molesters and rapists. i believe it...and i know why.

are we not ashamed? my throat gets tight and my eyes get wet as i think about the mess WE'VE made of the message of Jesus. we are NOT walking versions of the gospel. is the rumor of Jesus so powerfully evident in our lives that people can't help but flock to Jesus? would they climb trees and scale mountains just to get a glimpse of his face?

are we so slow to learn to be conduits of His love? do we cause people to want to meet Jesus, or are we like the disciples, "grumbling" and saying, "He has gone to be the guest of a man who is a sinner?" last night i heard someone say, "Jesus was killed...mostly because of the people He hung out with...the prostitutes, the tax-collectors...the sinners."

am i really about the business of my Jesus? the true business of Jesus?

Luke 19:10 - "For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost."

Micah 6:8 -
"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."

edit: and furthermore...why are we not running to Jesus like zaccheus did? why are we not desperate to be with Him?? we are sinful and need Him just as badly...every single day. every single stinkin' day.

here i am

i've decided to create a new blog for my stream-of-consciousness writing. to process through what God is teaching me, showing me in His word, laying on my heart, etc. this is mostly for me, and it will most likely be a messy place, but if you're brave enough to dive in with me...well...go for it.