emergent

i can't live in this skin anymore.
i've outgrown it.
it holds too much leftover disappointment and inflicted insecurity.
too much doubt, fear and regret.
too many days of feeling walked on, looked over, left out, forgotten.
too many "whys", "what ifs" and "what could have beens."
too little closure, too little courage, too little passion.
too much settling, too much routine, too much compromise, too much passivity.
too much longing for the wrong things and too little longing for the great things.
too much expectation for desires unfulfilled, too little rejoicing over gifts given.
too little grace for myself and too much enabling of others.
too often doubting i deserve much and too much acceptance of receiving little.
too much expectation for love returned and too much sadness over lack thereof.
too often feeling unwanted, unworthy, expendable.
too little realization of God's opinion of and great love for me.
too much weight given to the opinions of others.
too often losing the fight for my own heart while fighting for the hearts of others.
too much expectation that God does good in every life but mine.
too little understanding of the Father's power, majesty, compassion, and kindness.
too much taking of what life hands me and too little chasing after what is truly wanted.

this is a new season.
shedding. purging. molting.
breaking out. breaking free.
cleansing the temple.
pruning the branches.
delivery from exile.

wanting more.
not settling for less.
letting God show me who i really am
and what He made me for.
knowing what makes my heart beat
and seeing it realized.

" Our passions are not too strong, they are too weak.
We are far too easily pleased."
- Clive Staples Lewis

enough is enough.
it's time.
i really have no other choice.

fingerprints

as long as i can remember,
my hands have always been my biggest physical insecurity.
if it weren't for numerous comments about them from others, i may never have thought twice about them. but people are careless.

in junior high and high school, i rode the bus. i used to sit on my hands so no one could see them. in college, someone asked me in front of a large group if i could get surgery to fix them. to top it off, i work with teenagers...not the most tactful lot.

friends have tried to reverse the damage with attempted compliments that sink like stones. "maybe God made your hands like that because one day you'll have to save someone from a fire..." and "i like your hands...they make you look wise." gee thanks. problem solved?

i don't think about them quite as much anymore, but they're still definitely a source of insecurity.

apparently, i mentioned something about it in front of my boss a couple weeks back. the next time we sat down to talk, he brought it up and said he'd been thinking about it. he felt that God wanted him to tell me something. he said:

"tara, your hands are the hands of Jesus...
every time you use your hands to touch someone,
serve someone, or bless someone, you are being Jesus to them.
your hands are Jesus' hands. never feel ashamed of them."

i appreciated the thought...but moreso, i appreciated the verse it brought to mind about Jesus:

"There was nothing
beautiful or majestic about his appearance,
nothing to attract us to him.
He was despised and rejected—
a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him
and looked the other way.
He was despised, and we did not care."
- Isaiah 53:2-3 (NLT)

it was powerful for me to realize that Jesus, the One who impacted the world more than any other, who being in very nature God, was unattractive and looked over. He could easily have chosen to be beautiful and awe-inspiring in appearance, but He didn't...and His thumbprint on the world is unlike any other.

it means a lot to me to know that it doesn't matter what my thumb looks like, as long as its print is left behind. i would rather make an impact on this world for Jesus, than have all the adoration in the world.

this is how we should think. this is how we should consider appearance. this is where our focus should truly be. this should be where our confidence resides. in Him.

thank You for that.

psalm 19:13,14

Lord, help my cold and hardened heart.
i want a faith that is truly alive again.

please help me, for i am a sinner.

sign of the times

the other night, i was driving home on the freeway and i saw something that triggered a memory and subsequent reflection on the evolution of my spirituality over the last 10 years or so.

i got serious about my relationship with Jesus at 15. i knew why i believed what i believed. i was sure of my faith. everything was black and white. i had the answers and i was ready and willing to provide them for anyone who in need.

after graduating high school, i purchased my very first car. a 1989 VW Jetta. yep, still have it! my best friend helped me celebrate by buying a license plate frame for me. it was one of those anti-evolution frames that said something to the effect of "fish don't walk and Jesus still lives." being that i was about to become a biology major, i didn't want my car vandalized due to said message, so i exchanged it for what i thought was an even better message.

"if you're living like there's no God,
you'd better be right!"

yeah! that'll tell 'em! nothing more effective than a little judgment shoved up someone's nose.

i saw this same message on the back of someone's car on the freeway monday night. i said a quick prayer of thanksgiving to the Lord. "oh man, forgive me Jesus. thank You for showing me how wrong that attitude is and for getting that thing off my car!"

did i honestly think that misrepresenting God as a judgmental jerk looking to destroy people was going to bring anyone to Him? how did i ever think that anything other than LOVE would change hearts and draw people to Jesus? where did i learn that? church? probably. this is generally what Christianity in our country looks like...it's how people see us. how did this happen?? church? probably...but that's a whole 'nother topic. (see previous blog for the tip of the iceberg on 'tara's frustrations with church.') :)

in a way, i'm thankful i went through that period of ignorance. it's paved the way for my life's goal and desire to learn and share what it truly looks like to love Jesus and love others. my goal and hope is that no student i work with could have a relationship with me and walk away with the mindset i had at their age.

as messy as it is to love Jesus and love others the way He wants us to, i would take the gray over the black and white any day.

you make a better door than a window

i've been thinking about something ever since i read Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. every single person has their own interpretation of the Bible...based on their opinions and experiences. if this is the case, then every time someone claims that they go to a church that "simply teaches the Bible"...well, they're wrong. they're all teaching some biased interpretation of the Bible and claiming that their interpretation is the right one. this led me to think about something else...

the Bible is living and active. it is to be experienced. if this is the case, then why do we not see the incredible impact of it? why are we dissecting it instead of experiencing it? why are we telling Jesus instead of helping people encounter Jesus themselves? are we devoted to words instead of message? Rob Bell said, "inspired words have a way of getting under our skin and taking on a life of their own. they work on us. we started out reading them, but they end up reading us. this is what happens when the Bible becomes living and active."

so...it dawned on me...i really believe the church has destroyed what God meant by "teaching" and "preaching." think about the rabbinical fashion in which Jesus taught...He sat down to teach and engaged people. asking questions and meeting them where they were at. maybe we need to stop lecturing people in churches and impressing on them one person's experience with Jesus or with Scripture, and instead give the Body the opportunity to interact with Jesus and the passage themselves, in community? what do you think that would look like?

2 Timothy 2:14 says, "warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value and only ruins those who listen."

1 Timothy 1:3-7 says, "...so that you may command certain men not to teach false doctrines any longer nor to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies. these promote controversies rather than God's work--which is by faith. the goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. some have wandered away from these and turned to meaningless talk. they want to be teachers of the law, but they do not know what they are talking about or what they so confidently affirm."

words do not transform lives. encountering Jesus does.

the closest thing to "Church" i have ever experienced has never taken place at an actual church. it's taken place in small rooms with people talking together, sharing together, thinking together, asking hard questions together, reading together, sharing dreams and struggles together, eating together, laughing together, being together...with Jesus. how hard is that? it's not. we've complicated one of the most beautifully simple things God's given us.

how many times have we taken notes in church, stuck them in our Bible and forgotten them? why? because truth is a Person...not facts. facts and interpretations do not invoke passion. we learn truth in relationship because Truth is a Person.

amazing to think that in the effort to inform people about Jesus, we may actually be getting in the way of them knowing Him.

shaken, not stirred

“The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship. Christian scholarship is the church’s prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close.”

- Søren Kierkegaard

whatcha think?

redemption

i have been thinking a lot about Joshua 2 this week...

which has led me to think a lot about the incredible God we serve.
why is He so great? well, i'll tell you:

if you don't remember Joshua 2, the story is this:
God chose to do an amazing work through a woman named Rahab.
why is that a big deal?
well, she was a prostitute.
He chose to work through her and she, no doubt,
experienced the Lord's grace and mercy in a profound way.

fast-forward a few years.

Rahab has a son named Boaz. if any of you have read the book
of Ruth, Boaz plays a pretty huge role. some have said that he is
the greatest example of grace and mercy in the old testament and
is the biggest precursor of the grace and mercy that would come in
the form of Jesus, all those years later.

so, where did Boaz learn to be this merciful?
probably from his mom.
you know, the prostitute.

not only that...but, remember David? the shepherd boy who killed
the giant and became a great king after God's own heart? well, he
is a descendent of Rahab and Boaz.

oh, and guess who else descended from Rahab?
yup. Jesus Christ, Himself.
pretty incredible lineage.

so, why is my God so amazing?
my God is amazing because He would rather change the world through a humble prostitute or a shepherd boy than through haughty religious people.

that is a God who i would follow to the ends of the earth and back...
that is a God who i am overwhelmed to be loved by...
and that is extremely humbling.

i would rather be a prostitute than a pharisee,
if it means that i will experience more of my Jesus.

exile

"and life is worth the living,

just because He lives."

for some reason that song popped into my head today and i keep singing it over and over. maybe i'm trying to convince myself of the truth and simplicity of the statement.

an applicable passage:

Jeremiah 29:1-14 - A Letter to the Exiles

¹Jeremiah wrote a letter from Jerusalem to the elders, priests, prophets, and all the people who had been exiled to Babylon by King Nebuchadnezzar. ²This was after King Jehoiachin, the queen mother, the court officials, the leaders of Judah, and all the craftsmen had been deported from Jerusalem. ³He sent the letter with Elasah son of Shaphan and Gemariah son of Hilkiah, when they went to Babylon as King Zedekiah's ambassadors to Nebuchadnezzar. This is what Jeremiah's letter said:

⁴The LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, sends this message to all the captives he has exiled to Babylon from Jerusalem: ⁵"Build homes, and plan to stay. Plant gardens, and eat the food you produce. ⁶Marry, and have children. Then find spouses for them, and have many grandchildren. Multiply! Do not dwindle away! ⁷And work for the peace and prosperity of Babylon. Pray to the LORD for that city where you are held captive, for if Babylon has peace, so will you."

⁸The LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says, "Do not let the prophets and mediums who are there in Babylon trick you. Do not listen to their dreams ⁹because they prophesy lies in my name. I have not sent them," says the LORD. ¹⁰"The truth is that you will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. ¹¹For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ¹²In those days when you pray, I will listen. ¹³If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. ¹⁴I will be found by you," says the LORD. "I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land."

this has been the hardest year of my life. in so many ways, i feel like i am in exile...living in a fog. whether i like it or not, this fog could last 7 days, 70 years, or longer. i know that, despite the situation, my Father gives me assurance of His faithfulness and tells me to "plant gardens" and make life here...despite the circumstances...rather than wait for deliverance before living the abundant life He has promised.

Psalm 126 - A song for the ascent to Jerusalem.

¹ When the LORD restored his exiles to Jerusalem, it was like a dream!

² We were filled with laughter, and we sang for joy.
And the other nations said, "What amazing things the LORD has done for them."

³ Yes, the LORD has done amazing things for us! What joy!

⁴ Restore our fortunes, LORD, as streams renew the desert.

⁵ Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.

⁶ They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.

i'm not sure when that day is going to come, but for now, i need to plant, even in the midst of tears, so that i might one day see a harvest of joy. it's a hard desire to have when i feel so frustrated with God...and i'm not sure what it will look like...but i know that's what i need to pray for.

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you;
not as the world gives do I give to you.
Let not your heart be troubled,
neither let it be afraid."
- John 14:27

reluctant

"but in the hour of His greatest trial,
His love overcame His fear of what loving would cost Him."

- John Eldredge, Waking The Dead

once again, the cost of loving, and my fear of further cost, have and are paralyzing me. i know that i can't not love. to do so would be death. but sometimes, it's just too hard, and i really don't want to. however, beneath the wounded parts of my heart...much deeper than that...somewhere way down there...i know that i want to love...i have to. i want to wholeheartedly be like my Jesus. love brings us outside of ourselves...it makes us bigger...and yet, to do it, we must fully sacrifice ourselves...just like He did.

i can't do it alone.
actually, i can't do it at all.
i guess that's the key.

affectual

i'm reading waking the dead again...why? because i need it again. my heart needs some serious attention.

so, i'm reading colossians 3 this morning, and i start underlining all the instances of the word "heart."

so...really...what is our heart? what does it entail? check this out:

-the center/vigor of physical and spiritual life
-the soul or mind, as it is the fountain and seat of the thoughts, passions, desires, appetites, affections, purposes, and endeavors
-of the understanding, the faculty and seat of intelligence
-of the will and character
-of the soul so far as it is affected and stirred in a bad way or good, or of the soul as the seat of the sensibilities, affections, emotions, desires, appetites, passions
-of the middle or central or inmost part of anything, even though inanimate
-the bowels, regarded as the seat of the more violent passions, such as anger and love, but by the Hebrews as the seat of the tenderer affections, esp. kindness, benevolence, compassion; hence our heart (tender mercies, affections, etc.)
-etc etc.

get the picture?

it's everything we are. even in colossians 3 when it says, "set your mind on things above"...the word "mind" means to think, the affections, the will....the actions of the will and affections.

so...here's the deal...when your heart is messed up...all of you is messed up. if your heart isn't in order, neither are you. right now, all of me is messed up. it affects everything about me listed above. right now, namely my passions and affections.

so...setting my mind on things above...that means, actively setting my affections on Jesus...not just being disciplined to spend time with Him...but setting my will and affections on Him. why? because He first loved me. as a response.

what's my prayer for today? well, with last weeks prayer in mind:

Lord, may we see You clearly,
and may we actively set our affections on You.

selah